Why Breakups Hurt: The Science
When you go through a breakup, your brain reacts similarly to how it processes physical pain. Research using fMRI scans shows that emotional pain from rejection activates the same brain regions as actual physical pain.
Oxytocin and dopamine, chemicals linked to bonding and pleasure, drop sharply after a breakup, which can lead to withdrawal symptoms similar to drug addiction.
Understanding this helps validate your feelings and shows why moving on requires both emotional and neurological recovery.
Step 1: Allow Yourself to Grieve
Suppressing emotions only delays healing. Psychologists suggest acknowledging the loss, allowing yourself to feel sadness, anger, confusion, or even guilt. Journaling, crying, or talking to a therapist are all healthy ways to process your emotions.
Science Insight: Suppressing emotions can increase stress hormones like cortisol, while expressing them helps regulate mood.
Step 2: Cut Off Contact (at Least Temporarily)
No-contact isn’t cruel. It’s essential. Constant reminders through texts, social media, or mutual friends keep the emotional wound open. Neuroscientists recommend a full break from communication to allow your brain to reset its emotional patterns.
Tip: Unfollow or mute them on social media. Delete old messages or photos that trigger memories.
Step 3: Practice Self-Care and Routine Reset
Breakups disrupt your daily habits. Rebuild your routine with activities that support physical and emotional health:
• Exercise regularly (boosts endorphins)
• Eat balanced meals (stabilizes mood)
• Get enough sleep (supports brain function)
• Try meditation or deep breathing (lowers anxiety)
Science Insight: Physical activity increases serotonin and dopamine, key chemicals in mood regulation.
Step 4: Reframe Your Thoughts
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) encourages you to identify negative thought patterns and replace them with more balanced ones. Instead of thinking, "I’ll never find someone like them," try, "This is a chance to discover new parts of myself."
Tool: Use journaling or apps like Moodnotes to track and challenge negative beliefs.
Step 5: Build a Support Network
Social connection is one of the most powerful buffers against emotional pain. Spend time with friends, family, or support groups who validate your feelings without judgment.
Science Insight: Social support activates the brain’s reward centers, counteracting feelings of loneliness.
Step 6: Rediscover Your Identity
Being in a relationship often leads to shared identities. Now’s the time to reconnect with your individual self:
• Pick up a forgotten hobby
• Travel or explore new places
• Learn something new (a course, a skill, a language)
Psych Tip: The more you engage in activities that reinforce your individuality, the faster your emotional independence grows.
Step 7: Set Healthy Goals
Forward-thinking helps your brain focus on growth. Set short-term goals (daily habits, fitness) and long-term ones (career, personal projects). Achieving even small milestones rebuilds confidence.
Science Insight: Goal-setting boosts dopamine, motivating your brain to focus on progress instead of the past.
What to Avoid After a Breakup
Getting over your ex isn’t just about what you do. It’s also about what you avoid. Here are some common pitfalls that can stall your healing process:
• Jumping into a rebound relationship too soon
• Obsessively checking your ex’s social media
• Romanticizing the relationship and forgetting its flaws
• Isolating yourself from friends and family
• Blaming yourself entirely for the breakup
Pro Tip: Avoiding these behaviors will help you move forward with more clarity and emotional stability.
Final Thoughts
Getting over an ex is not about erasing the past but about reprogramming your brain, emotions, and habits to create a healthier future. Healing requires time, support, and scientifically backed strategies. Some days will feel difficult, while others will bring a sense of progress. It is important to remember that healing does not follow a straight path. Trust the process and treat yourself with compassion as you grow. If you are ready to take control of your healing journey, begin with one small step today. You might unfollow your ex, sign up for a new class, or reach out to a supportive friend. The path forward starts now.